so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
