I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
