i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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