No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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