I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
