I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
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Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
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I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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