I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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