Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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