stop calling my apartment porn island.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
