Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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