Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Little spoons don't ask big questions
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Is it penis luge time yet?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
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Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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