And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize