Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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