I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
