I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
