my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize