He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
