Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
