i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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