How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
