when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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