I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
