i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
