Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
