so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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