you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
