Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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