i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You have to summon your inner elephant
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
