Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
