I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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