I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
