I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
