First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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