This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
