Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
