My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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