Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
