I could have mohawked her pubes.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
