Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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