Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
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You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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