Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
