i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
