Moan for me like Helen Keller
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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