You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
