Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
