I faked an abortion last night.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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