I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
