I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
