Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
