I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
