I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
