then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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