I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
